Let Love, Not Your Emotions,
Be Your Motivator
By Dr. Kay Kuzma, A Hug and a Kiss—And a Kick in the Pants (with editing)
When something comes up at exactly the wrong moment, it is a natural tendency to be tempted to react in anger or out of frustration. Perhaps you are exhausted from only sleeping a few hours at night due to your baby’s teething, or you’re going through an especially intense emotional time, or you’ve just had a run in with someone and you’re feeling upset and misunderstood by it, and then your child does “it.” She grabs from the other child, or he refuses to do another math problem because he thinks it’s too hard, or you catch her playing computer games without your permission. Your feelings get the better of you and you react in anger, either by raising your voice, or doling out a harsh punishment. You might not have harsh disciplinary habits—in fact, you might even have tendencies toward leniency—and yet, these impulsive angry reactions can sometimes get the better of you.
It can sometimes be difficult to avoid these angry reactions, because we are human and subject to these emotions. But this is certainly something to learn to avoid and to fight to overcome so that we can ensure that discipline is given in love and motivated by love.
Here are some practical tips that you can apply when faced with those angry emotions. You wouldn’t need to do all of these in any given situation—there are a variety of ways that you could approach the situation and deal with it wisely:
Tempering your temper
How would you feel if someone who was your authority got angry and screamed at you? You’d probably feel like shriveling up and blowing away. Add an audience, and you’d feel verbally tarred and feathered. Now, you might quickly do what that authority wanted you to do, but you’d despise that person for embarrassing you.
Children aren’t that much different from grown-ups in this respect. They don’t like being belittled or demeaned, especially in front of an audience.
It would be best if you could catch yourself before you got so upset that you felt like screaming. Here are some ideas:
If your child isn’t paying attention the first or second time you speak, try lowering your voice instead of raising it. Go over to your child, look him in the eyes and whisper your message.
Or you might want to go one step further and try the silent method. Just go and stand next to your child and don’t say anything until he or she turns and looks at you. When you have her full attention, make your request. Sometimes just placing your hand softly against the child’s back and waiting will get her attention.
Once you have your child’s attention, make your request clearly and firmly. Then make sure you follow up so you are certain she is doing what you want. When you do this, you’ll find a significant increase in your child’s compliance without any harmful side effects. And, you’ll feel a whole lot better by having tempered your temper!
When something comes up at exactly the wrong moment, it is a natural tendency to be tempted to react in anger or out of frustration. Perhaps you are exhausted from only sleeping a few hours at night due to your baby’s teething, or you’re going through an especially intense emotional time, or you’ve just had a run in with someone and you’re feeling upset and misunderstood by it, and then your child does “it.” She grabs from the other child, or he refuses to do another math problem because he thinks it’s too hard, or you catch her playing computer games without your permission. Your feelings get the better of you and you react in anger, either by raising your voice, or doling out a harsh punishment. You might not have harsh disciplinary habits—in fact, you might even have tendencies toward leniency—and yet, these impulsive angry reactions can sometimes get the better of you.
It can sometimes be difficult to avoid these angry reactions, because we are human and subject to these emotions. But this is certainly something to learn to avoid and to fight to overcome so that we can ensure that discipline is given in love and motivated by love.
Here are some practical tips that you can apply when faced with those angry emotions. You wouldn’t need to do all of these in any given situation—there are a variety of ways that you could approach the situation and deal with it wisely:
- Anger is somewhat of an immediate natural reaction, so it does work to avoid having an angry reaction by simply delaying your reaction. Stop for a few minutes and cool down.
- Sit the child in a spot where he or she can quietly think about the situation, while you take time to collect yourself. This can even be done with relatively young children and is good for their training. Sometimes you’re not sure what course of action to take, so giving the child a few moments to reflect will give you an opportunity, too. You will have much more peace than if you hastily act.
- Sometimes it can help to honestly communicate your feelings to the child. Tell her that you’re very sad because of her disobedience or misbehavior, and so you need time to collect your thoughts before you discuss this problem. In the meantime, you can have the child take a time-out for a few moments, while you take the time to get calm.
- If possible, ask someone else (an appropriate person) to talk with or correct your child if you don’t feel that you will be able to handle the situation calmly or in love.
- Before you mete out a consequence or punishment, take a few minutes to think about two or three things that your child has done in the last week that were positive and made you proud. This will help you to focus on the positive attributes of your child rather than dwelling on the negative behavior of the moment, and help you administer discipline with more love and patience.
- Think about how much you love your child and that your instruction for the child will be training them, not punishing them for something they’ve done that bothered you or someone else. You will be able to see the bigger picture, instead of focusing on the problem of today.
- If some misbehavior requires you having to react promptly, especially in the case of a younger child, it can and should still be done in a calm manner.
Tempering your temper
How would you feel if someone who was your authority got angry and screamed at you? You’d probably feel like shriveling up and blowing away. Add an audience, and you’d feel verbally tarred and feathered. Now, you might quickly do what that authority wanted you to do, but you’d despise that person for embarrassing you.
Children aren’t that much different from grown-ups in this respect. They don’t like being belittled or demeaned, especially in front of an audience.
It would be best if you could catch yourself before you got so upset that you felt like screaming. Here are some ideas:
If your child isn’t paying attention the first or second time you speak, try lowering your voice instead of raising it. Go over to your child, look him in the eyes and whisper your message.
Or you might want to go one step further and try the silent method. Just go and stand next to your child and don’t say anything until he or she turns and looks at you. When you have her full attention, make your request. Sometimes just placing your hand softly against the child’s back and waiting will get her attention.
Once you have your child’s attention, make your request clearly and firmly. Then make sure you follow up so you are certain she is doing what you want. When you do this, you’ll find a significant increase in your child’s compliance without any harmful side effects. And, you’ll feel a whole lot better by having tempered your temper!